An Open Letter to All My Girls Feelin the Pressure

I am now one of you..strong, resilient & hopeful. At first I thought I wasn't going to be able to do it.. I was scared of being alone and the sympathy line "you're still young, there's plenty of fish in the sea" was anything but comforting on the nights where I would lay alone and reflect on everything that got flipped around. So here we go a new journey of finding myself again while still looking for "the one". I was grocery shopping a few weeks back just minding my own business when an older man approached me to let me know that I had dropped my potatoes way back in isle 6 but he was so mesmerized watching me look at my list, look at my phone (on flip the coupon app) and then floor my cart down the isle to get what I needed that he didn't give my potatoes back right away... uhh ok..thanks sir? He told me that he had never seen someone so organized yet so careless in the grocery store and made a joke that ended in "your boyfriend must love that".. I politely responded back by saying luckily i don't have a boyfriend anymore and then the gut turning question came out..

"How is someone so beautiful like you still single?"

You see sir I could have given you many responses like the fact I cry in the car whenever I Go Back by Kenny Chesney comes on the radio, or the fact that I put my bread in the fridge instead of on the counter and maybe someone wouldn't like that. Instead I said "well I'm not sure" and wished you a great day and this made me really think hard about how I could really answer this question without giving him an entire rendition of my dating history. 

While most of my friends seem to have stable relationships, having babies, getting engaged here I am spending most of my time deleting and reinstalling dating applications to only get so frustrated  by the lack of unoriginal men that seem to clog those applications up while also questioning myself "why am i single?" daily. This letter is for me, but also for you if you're single and sweating it. 

Dear Queen, There is something wrong with you.  By now you are probably 67 weeks back on a couple goals instagram page asking yourself why you haven't found "the one"? why do these people look so happy? is there something wrong with me, am i missing something?

Well, girl I hate to say this but there is something wrong with you. Like there is something wrong with every single person on this earth. Everyone is broken in their own twisted way. If you think those people in the "perfect" relationship got there without facing their own flaws, fears and scars you are wrong. What is "more" wrong with you is the exact thought "something is wrong with me". It's that simple. 

Constantly blaming yourself for being single and focusing on your flaws will only distance yourself further from learning to love yourself. You will lower your self esteem so much that you will put yourself into this mind set that we all know too well and we both know what kind of men that low self esteem attracts and it's not the good ones. 

Next time you ask yourself "what is wrong with me?" close your eyes and smile while also saying "something is wrong with me but there are many beautiful things about me" It takes one bad date to lose faith in dating and two bad dates to lose faith in humanity.  Boring dates, lack of depth in conversation, the same pick up lines, emotionally unaware men they all suck. I get it, I understand your frustration. What sucks even more is finally feeling like you depicted a special connection with someone just to have him disappear or you lose interest. 

But here are the choices you have every time you agree to go on these dates: You can either look at these men as another data point on why you should drop the ball on relationships or you can look at it as one step closer to finding the right one. Just think how much you will learn along the way. Had you not gone on that date with Tim maybe you would have never known you cannot stand when guys only talk about their work whenever you mention something about yourself. Once you begin to walk down this path and hit a dating fatigue this is when you soak up with your girlfriends or plan a weekend girls get away you don't lose hope. 

It's true your married friend with two kids will never have to wonder again why he didn't text her back. She doesn't have to worry and cry about why he posted a picture on his snapchat but said he was busy and couldn't text back ever again. But my dear aren't the cracks where the light comes in? While you are still getting your heart broken extract the beauty in it for the more times it cracks apart the more beauty that will shine in. Sam Smith a four time grammy winner thanked these men. He confessed "I want to thank the men that this record is about , who I fell in love with last year. You won me four Grammys" 

What happened to the girl who got so fed up with her last partner she screamed over and over I don't deserve this while packing her shit to get out. You didn't settle then so why even dare to settle now. You owe yourself more then a repeat of the last guy. You will get your perfect relationship don't worry baby girl. Maybe it won't end in marriage but who said marriage is for everyone? Who said college was for everyone? Or entrepreneurship that's not for everyone... optimize for true love not marriage, not deadlines. 

Here is the part where you ask well what the F is true love? I have no idea.. but you know when you are settling so you will know when it is true love. I promise. What I do know is there are no rules to love. You may meet him or her on a bad hair day in the elevator while leaving work, or on boring Friday night while you give Tinder one last shot to impress you. 

​What you really need is a community that inspires you to not settle. That pushes you to keep going and not give up. That reminds you to get out of your own way when you do. And holds the mirror up to see your beauty in your imperfections. And remember, you do not owe it to society or anyone to be miserable because you missed a chapter, and instead crafted your own story. Walk with pride honey. For you have chosen the path of truth, and you are not alone. And next time someone asks you why you are single now you know the answer: “Why not?”

Love your badass self. 

- Ash

#Badass #SelfLove #Queens