How "Bodybuilding" Ruined My Life

The real truth behind what happens when you commit to the gym.

Let me start by saying, in no means do I consider myself an actual bodybuilder.. hence the quotation marks in the title. However I have been patiently advancing the size of my muscles for four years now. When I began my journey I was fresh out of high school and had a summer to kill off, so I took my 115 pound self to the cheapest gym in the city and decided I was going to try this whole 'gym' thing.  I currently weigh 146 pounds.. I would love to say it's of solid muscle but we both know that isn't true.

Before I get to the bad part I want to start off by stating the positives that have come from attending the gym. In many ways the gym has served as a punching bag, I can walk into the gym pissed off and leave happy. If I feel stressed out, I go to the gym and relieve some of that stress and continue with my day. When I was in college I often found myself using the gym as a writers block aid.. I would go to the gym when I couldn't finish an essay without repeating myself a thousand times to make the word count and then sit down and take a crack at the essay again after a workout. The gym has also without a doubt improved my quality of life. I have met new friends, I have gotten involved within the community by trying events because I know I enjoy fitness and despite the changes on the outside of my body, I know the gym is allowing me to sustain a longer, healthier life.

So how do I believe the gym has served as a negative..? For starters when I began on this path I was skinny, with little to no muscle mass. Results came quick at the beginning, I was seeing noticeable changes within weeks sometimes at the start. My XS clothing was beginning to fit a light tighter and I was diggin it. I became addicted to the results which pushed me to keep going.. how can I make this experience better?!  You see the addiction to results also serves as the devil in some cases. I would say once or twice a month I would wake up and be 100% feelin myself - my stomach was flat, muscles looked full etc. The rest of the days I would wake up and be upset that my stomach isn't as flat as days previous, I looked bloated and like I haven't just spent the past 2 years in the gym. This is when I would change up my routine and assume I just needed to work harder, and eat cleaner. 

This brings me to my next reason why the sport of body building has ruined me. The want to look like the "instagram famous" fitness models drove me to commit hard to a clean diet and hard workout plan. Which in turn limited my availability to see friends and family. I often found myself declining invitations out because I had to make it into the gym. I became friends with gym goers by always being in the gym so the socialization aspect of living was still there but only when I was in the gym and my gym friends were there. The craving for new experiences with old friends was there but the inability to miss the gym one day to be able to indulge in those experiences is what almost made me loose all my out of gym friends. By telling myself the only way to lean out and to look like these fitness models was to eat extreamly healthy I also would NEVER eat a cheat meal, and I would beat myself up if I happened to slip up and torment myself with the thoughts of back stepping due to one meal.  

Living in a world where girls are told to look a certain way in order to be seen as pretty it's very hard to love your body as muscle grows and you get bigger instead of smaller. I can openly admit to having full on break downs in fitting rooms because I can't find jeans to go around my legs and fit comfortably on the waist.. here come the negative thoughts of having to train harder, eat healthier and slim down so you can find jeans that fit. By far the most uncomfortable shopping experience I have is when trying to buy intimates like bras or any sexy body suit / open back top. Today, my shoulders are broad - my biceps are noticeably large and my back is beginning to widen .. all features I get very happy about in the gym when the endorphins are flowing. However when standing inside of a change room with a cute body suit or anything open and risky on and looking at myself in the mirror and not seeing a reflection of a victoria secret model looking back at me it ruins the item for me.. I no longer imagine feeling even close to sexy when my bicep is about to rip the sleeve open. On come the nasty thoughts of becoming thinner. 

I am slowly learning that the lean body type is NOT for me that is not how my body naturally wants to grow in the gym. My mom always says "well if you're this miserable outside the gym with your body then stop going" but the truth is the mental solitude I get from going to the gym is far more valuable then constantly worrying about how small my waist is. Sure it is hard to adjust to purchasing a size 6 jean when I used to be a zero.. but I know I am not fat. The mind is capable of playing many tricks and living in a society that still body shames, that doesn't educate people on healthy body fat percentages but continuously pushes images of extreamly lean women in our faces all over social media and magazines and in commercials for weight loss supplements its no wonder my mind is trying to tell me I'm on the chubbier side. 

So what are my goals now that I am aware I lack self love.. first off I'm chuckin the scale. The number doesn't matter as long as you're happy in your skin. I'm going to remind myself that the images I have of the beginning of my journey do NOT indicate that I am getting fat because I'm not as small as I once was when I started but that is ok.. because I am strong. Sizes in clothing are also irrelevant.. I am going to buy what fits and what I am comfortable in not pay attention to the size or number or make any correlation between size and "skinny". Lastly strong is sexy.. why do I put myself down because i look broad in a body suit? I worked my ass off for this and if ANYONE says I look manly while I am rockin that suit I will tell them to hit the gym and maybe they will look like me one day too. 

My overall conclusion to this is that: Bodybuilding ruined my ability to love myself while working up stream against a world that has a cookie cutter of the "perfect" woman.

Self love is so important.. It is what allows you to radiate and feel confident. It is something I believe many of us need to work on because how can anyone expect to love or cherish another person when we can hardly love ourselves. But most of all no matter how much muscle we build, how much weight we lose or how much tightening we do.. we are humans. We WILL have cellulite, we WILL have stretch marks and imperfections. But we are STRONG.

Lots of love - Ash

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